LOCAL BICYCLE THIEF TURNED FOOTBALL CHIEF

Chuck Woolery was a nobody. A real loser. Just one year ago, Chuck was flunking out of high school with a grade point average of -1.2. Despite extensive counseling from the teachers at Lou Gehrig Big Sluggers High School, Woolery just couldn't elevate his academic life.

Mr. Farthaust, the advanced placement history teacher at the high school, says that Chuck was, "just a bad kid, a real pain in the ass". Fellow classmate Mike Chen says that Chuck, "would show up to class, put his feet up on the desk, and just chillax all bell. Some of us looked up to him, others hated him, many feared him". Local dumpster man Joe Dilby says, "I saw Chuck around town. Where he went, trouble followed. I never saw the kid without a smirk on his face and a snuff box concealed in his breast pocket".

Over 377 reports of bicycle thefts have been reported in Pinecrest this year alone. Every single one of these cases has been connected back to Mr. Woolery through DNA evidence and security camera footage. When Chuck was brought in to face charges for these crimes, a local jury sentenced him to 10 years of hard time without probation.

Candid photo captured of Chuck Woolery
 escaping a bicycle thievery 

As of 2016, Chuck Woolery has finally exited the prison system and has been re-acclimated to life in Pinecrest. At age 27, Woolery has been accepted back into Lou Gehrig Big Sluggers High School to complete his final year of high school and graduate. In this final year of his high school career, Chuck Woolery has chosen to pursue a position on the football team and is now the quarterback of the Big Slugger Grasshoppers (Let's go Grasshoppers! Hop hop!). He has since led the team all the way to the State Tournament!

A lot can be taken away from Chuck Woolery's story. His journey proves that a troubled past does not necessarily indicate a troubled future. Although you can never amend your poor choices, you can still improve and continue on in a positive direction.

DON'T FORGET: FARMERS MARKET THIS TUESDAY

This Tuesday, 4:30 PM to 8 PM, we'll be hosting our biweekly Pinecrest Farmer's Market in the lovely Shallyman's Square! Come on down for food, fun, and synthetic produce!

Here's just a small selection of the booths we'll have set up in the square: 

• Terry and Harry's Wild Berries 
• Paul Green's Red Tomatoes
• Old Man Wilson's Wheelchairs 
• Donnie's Fresh Rye Bread 
• Momma Birtha's Cream 
• Crybaby Hot Sauce (50% off sale!)
• Griffin Corporation's Psychoscopic Oil (reserved for Sector 627) 
• Lamps 

We will still be handing out water bottles and dry shampoo at the Pinecrest Village Anglican Church. The fountains on the square have been closed off to the public due to various complaints. 

SINGLE ROGUE FISH CAUSES WATER CRISIS

News is currently coming in that explains some of the rumors that I'm sure you've all been hearing about. I've tried to piece together all of the sound bytes I've heard so far from Mayor Duckly and the Clean Water Commission into one clear, comprehensive list.

1) A rare breed of Japanese Fire Piranha HAS been confirmed to have been bred in secrecy by a lab located within the Pinecrest Aquarium.

2) One of these fish HAS escaped the lab through a series of complex viaducts and underground tunnels.

3) This fish HAS been confirmed to have gotten stuck in a water pump that supplies water to about 80% of the population of Pinecrest.

4) It HAS NOT been confirmed if the fish contained any kind of virus or disease that could have been transmitted to the water distributed from the pump before the fish was removed.

5) Residents HAVE been advised NOT to drink any tap water or use any public water facilities until notified otherwise by Mayor Duckly in an official press release.

It is important that everyone makes a special effort to come together as a community in situations like this. We must remember that this small accident is truly of NO severe threat to this city.

Come to the Pinecrest Village Anglican Church to receive free bottles of water and dry shampoo. We have also filled the fountains in Shallyman's Square with bottled water. Treat the fountains as you would your own shower.

DAVE MATTHEWS RETURNS HOME

This Tuesday, hundreds of folks came down to Shallyman's Square to see their hometown hero, Dave Matthews, play a three hour acoustic solo set. As you all probably know, Matthews was born in this very town in the recently quarantined Duke Charles Brandon Memorial Anglican Hospital and Research Facility on January 9, 1967. He grew up in a lovely little house on the off-skirts of town (recently made an official historic landmark  by the Pinecrest Historic Preservation Committee) and went to school at the renowned Lou Gehrig Big Sluggers High School.

After enjoying this town's hospitality for 18 years, Matthews chose to pursue a career in music, and the rest, as they say, is history. 

Dave Matthews has recorded 80 studio albums with The Dave Matthews Band as well as 600 live albums, all of which have all reached platinum level success and some of which have even gone on to win Grammy awards. He and his band have played in every continent, including a brief tour of scientific research facilities in Antarctica entitled the "No Ants Marching Tour", referencing, as Matthews has had to point out several times, the fact that ants are biologically able to survive in every continent but the cold and icy continent of Antarctica.  

Through the course of the three hour set, Matthews went through all of his hits, including "Crash Into Me", "Ants Marching", and "The Space Between". He closed out the set with a 30 minute rendition of "Two Step" that slowly evolved into a spacial, tribal jam that utilized complex polyrhythms and the savage screaming of the phrase "things we can not change".

David J. Matthews giving a rousing performance in
Shallyman's Square, center of his hometown of Pinecrest, Ohio

When the set finally came to a close, Matthews signed autographs for several hours and was almost arrested for attempting to sign a woman's one dollar bill, as that would be considered defacement of legal tender, a federal crime that results in 30 years of hard time. A stander by was luckily able to inform him of his wrongdoing and he thankfully did not follow through with the act. 

All in all, the performance successfully brought rock and roll back to Pinecrest and gave us all some good music to boogie to. I'd like to say on the behalf of Pinecrest and on behalf of The Pinecrest Gazette, we thank you for taking the time to visit your home town and pay respect to your roots, Mr. Matthews. 

WELCOME TO THE PINECREST GAZETTE

If you are currently reading this, you must have received our community e-newsletter!

As you all know, Greg Princeps, Pinecrest's finest email organizer and consultant, recently died of chronic rheumatoid arthritis. As he can no longer send out the weekly newsletters we have all come to depend on, I have taken the duty upon my shoulders to organize and execute the Pinecrest Gazette, a one stop news outlet that should hopefully outline all community events, news, and gossip.

Spearheading this operation is the Society for the Understanding and Care of Kids, or SUCK. Through the years, SUCK has set up countless after school daycare facilities, as well as an incredibly successful "Don't Get Youth-anized" campaign, known for keeping kids off the streets using strictly legal Christian enforcement techniques. SUCK will be reading through all the articles I publish to make sure everything remains kid friendly and helps assert the American family values that Pinecrest has and always will stand for.

So what can you expect from the Pinecrest Gazette? You can expect quality reporting on local events (town fairs, village meetings, library barbecues) as well as crime dispatches and maybe even opinion pieces from time to time.

Hopefully this website can provide some helpful information and maybe even a little entertainment to you hardworking folks of Pinecrest, Ohio.

Make sure to bookmark this page so you don't forget it!